NOW THERE’S EXPENSIVE BOYO

Ever been to Malta, that rocky little outcrop in the Mediterranean between the toe of Italy and North Africa? If you have, or ever get the chance, you will soon find out that everyone there speaks perfect English, they also have their own Maltese newspapers published in English too. Added to that, they all speak Italian as well. You really have to hand it to the Maltese as they are proficient in three languages – Maltese, English and Italian, a good number of them speak other languages too. Yet here in the UK, half of Britain’s ‘yoof’ struggle to speak their own language, let alone any others.

This has just reminded me of a joke about a blonde who wanted to learn to speak Spanish in an afternoon. When the language school told her this was impossible, she burst into tears and said: “I’m going to Benidorm tomorrow, what am I going to do?” She was told not to worry as most Spanish spoke English, all she needed to do was to speak s-l-o-w-l-y and she would be ok.

She gets off the plane and heads for the bar. Seeing a blonde barmaid she says very slowly : “Helloo---nice---day---innit.” The blonde barmaid replied: “Yes -- wot – can -- I -- get—yer?” I’ll – ‘ave – a Babysham – ta.” She replied. The barmaid said: “That’s – my – favourite – drink – too.” The Blonde asked: “Where – do – you – come – from – then?” The barmaid replied: “Birmingham” To which the blonde saiad: “Oim – from – Birmingham – too, -- so – what – are – we – dooin’ – speaking – Sannish?!!”

Yes I know, that joke’s a bit tortuous, but whatever sort of mangled English you speak, it’s generally understood wherever you go, not just on the continent of Europe, but the whole world too.

So, getting to the point, why is it that the great and glorious bastion of European integration, that vast and wonderful melting pot of European unity, has to have a multitude of translators in the European Parliament, even for some of Europe’s more obscure languages such as Gaelic, despite the fact the Irish all speak English anyway?

The 27 member nation EU has officially recognised, and translates, 23 languages. This does not just involve 23 translators, there has to be a translator for each language to another language. So, there has to be a translator from French to German, French to Spanish, French to English and so on. Then there has tobe translators from German to Spanish, German to English, German to Welsh – yes, I did say German to Welsh, as the EU has now just agreed to translate speeches into the Welsh language too, although it has not been classed as an official language.

When you actually start to look at the numbers and the vast array of combinations of translations, the EU has to have a vast army of translators at its disposal at enormous cost to the taxpayers, who are paying for this multi-lingual farce.

So, as just mentioned, Welsh is now the latest language which will need transaltion, and the Welsh Assembly have confirmed that its Welsh language translators have their bags packed and are raring to go. That means there will have to be a new Welsh speaking platoon to join the linguistical army in Brussels. There will be Welsh to Estonian Welsh to Gaelic, Welsh to Maltese, Welsh to Polish, Welsh to…… well, it goes on and on.

And the cost of all this? You may well ask, it currently costs a billion euros a year to translate all these languages, that’s £841 million in real money. What for? To ensure that all the EU's edicts, regulations, directives and masses of bureaucratic gobble-de-gook gets put into a language that everyone can understand to make it legal. Meanwhile, in the real world, the masses are becoming ever more frustrated by the EU, its costs, secrecy, its isolation and anti-democratic nature – and we are paying for it. As the Welsh would say: ‘Now there’s expensive boyo’! It really would cost us a great deal less if we quit the EU.